Noel Bruce >> Talk

If I describe certain of my own lives experience I may begin to somewhat suggest the path we all follow in our own way. I’ve convinced myself that I remember somewhat my emotional state as a child in the crib. I was of course very innocent and as a result I felt happy, peaceful and content. I can’t really remember when I first felt insecure, it seems to have something to do with recognizing others as strangers who didn’t know me and whom I didn’t know. As a result I felt uncertain, imposed upon, as though others had expectations which might be hidden from me, and I wasn’t sure how to act. This sense of uncertainty could make me feel uncomfortable and ill at ease. I clearly remember this feeling going to kindergarten on the first day.  I didn’t really feel insecure about myself, family, or friends rather it seems I felt insecure about strangers. Only much later I learnt to feel insecure about everyone.

I never really felt very insecure around nature, I was always curious about the world; or rather creation and the entire universe. I remember as a child laying in the tall grass and watching the wind blow across the field, or on my back watching clouds pass by, or gazing into the blue sky wondering about it and what was beyond; always what was beyond. I wondered about us and what was beyond. I wondered why if we lost something we couldn’t just know exactly where it was. Why this void of not knowing? It felt somewhat like a humiliation to me. I wondered why god humbled us in this way. This boy thought we could grow up to be like Superman. This limiting awareness was my first loss of innocence which struck me so strongly. I haven’t really gotten over it yet. Then there was the age when you really know Santa Claus isn’t “real”. I got over that one rather easily, after all this lie was “mans” doing and kind of cute. After all, myth itself has some truth to tell, this one about our spirit of goodness.

Finally comes our great loss of innocence regarding our sexuality; we leave childhood behind when we have sex with another. This is one of life’s initiations for sure, because everything changes after this. Our whole world view changes. We become addicted to the world. Before that we were just playing, now it’s serious. We want power and influence from then on, even if we may forget why. The search for power seems like a point of no return, but it’s not really. In fact we are truly lost only if we never find the way of our return to innocence.

Of coarse spiritual liberation is not the same type of innocence we had as children, it’s much deeper, like the innocence of the great souls who show us the way of awakening from the dream we have created; the dream of our false aspirations of playing the game to win. If some must win then some must lose and this is the real delusion of the world; that some can win while others loss. This kind of thinking can not be trusted, and when we think this way we can not be trusted. This is why we can’t really trust each other, until we can realize that your loss is my loss. Only when we have this realization and are irreversibly dedicated to acting appropriate to this fact, only then can we trust and be trusted.

For all I’ve written and I write a lot, mostly for myself; I don’t recall ever writing about sexuality, basically because I never had anything interesting to say about it and I prefer writing when I feel that I have an idea that moves in a constructive direction. I don’t really know what I’m going to say; yet I must say that I feel our loss of innocence is related to our sexuality and our ability to trust ourselves and others.

If you look at history, most of the cultures we know are all about control and domination. This is what has corrupted most of the churches throughout history. Let me be clear, I’m not saying sexuality is bad, I’m suggesting that an addiction to a desire for something that is not within our power to control leads to a belief in conflict and a desire for control. This is our basic relationship with the world and with our “God”. We are conflicted because of our perceived self interest, we know that without power we have no control and we fear that we will not have our desires met if we aren’t in control of our world. But how can we control the world when we can’t even control our own heart and mind. We become conflicted and at war with God and our Self. This is a battle which can never be won.

One of the epic wars people have tried to negotiate throughout the ages is what has been called the battle of the sexes. Again here is a war which can’t be won, so people try to negotiate a settlement, but it’s a tenuous, fragile peace. You may have recognized by now that my thinking is influenced by certain precepts which can be found in many teachings; such as Taoism, Buddhist Madhyamaka teachings or A Course in Miracles. My basic believe is that no war can really be won, because your loss is also my loss. The basic delusion we worship is the belief in a conflict between heaven and earth; and that one can win while another loses. This to me is an irreconcilable position, because first I can not accept that we are divided, separate, and so there is no true opposition. Creation, life and evolution is more like a dance than an armed struggle. Our belief in opposition is the delusion which arises when we worship our needy sense of incompleteness.

Unfortunately with an adversarial position conflict pervades our world, heart and soul. One of the innate, naturally found medications which spiritual masters, like the Mahasiddhas, have administered, as a cure for this universal delusional disease of greed is their tantric yoga teachings. Aspects of these teaching addressing this issue of duality are not well understood, so I’d like to comment on them here hoping somewhat to reconcile them within myself. Unfortunately from my position as a male I can’t speak for the female expression of sexuality in relation to reconciling desires, needs, and expectations. Therefore I can only address tantric principles from a personal internalized yogic view. This view I do not consider to be a limitation at all; if fact for most people an outward expression of tantric principles is very likely to be a huge obstacle without first developing a well grounded inner realization. By that I mean that sexual drives outwardly expressed are powerful enough to overwhelm anyone I personally know of. You will notice in Buddhist tantric iconography images of coupled male and female deities. Appearing as two they are in fact one in union. This is an essential tantric realization. In other tantric icons you can find what seems like a hermaphrodite; both male and female in one. This seems more to the point I would suggest; that first we must reconcile the conflicts within us, so that we can dispel the delusion of worldly conflicts which do not serve to advance our journey of awakening.